Squiggle & Heart #12

This may not seem profound to some folks, but this was a new idea to me after a particularly rough day last week. My therapist believes the Superego only says two things: You’re not good enough, and You’re not doing enough. Mine, I believe, only says the latter.

On endless repeat.

Endless. Repeat.

But while under attack last week, I had the thought to ask it, What actually happens if I don’t do enough? And I felt a tiny release of tension in my body that felt new. Score keeping is entirely made up, a construct developed to oppress people, manipulate children, and quantify labor. To decide no one is keeping score, I think, might be a radically compassionate and subversive act.

In the Buddhist tradition, there is a vow which includes the declaration, “Sentient Beings are numberless, I vow to save them.” Within the impossible structure of this text, I believe lies the relief of consequencelessness. We can make an impossible vow of dedication ONLY IF we relinquish the idea of scorekeeping. I may pull on Indra’s Net, hoping to ease the painful wrinkles, but there is no overseer evaluating my success. Do for the sake of doing, let go of outcome.

I can’t say I don’t expect to face this demon again in the near future, but I can’t help but feel like his chant got just a little less loud.